I have always struggled with my weight since I was young. I have tried so hard to lose weight. My senior year in High School, I lost 50 pounds in about 5 months during swim season. I was so tiny and I felt good. I slowly gained back about 15 lbs my first year of college, and perhaps another 10 pounds while dating Luis. Normal weight fluctuations. But no matter what I did, I couldn’t lose the weight. After giving birth, I felt good about my body. I had only gained 18 lbs during pregnancy which I had lost in the first week postpartum, and then some.
About 6 weeks after this last appointment, I went back to get my levels retested. They were up slightly. But the doctor said I looked much better than before. So keep doing what I’m doing, and go see the rheumatologist.
I went to see the rheumatologist’s, almost convinced I had Hashimoto’s. An autoimmune condition that affects the thyroid. About 90% of hypothyroidism cases are actually Hashimoto’s especially in young people. I was feeling like I was going to get answers. I was starting to think I was making things up or wasn’t trying hard enough to lose weight. As much as I didn’t want to have an autoimmune condition be the diagnosis, I felt hope. Hope that I would have answers to my weight gain and inability to lose weight, my infertility, my fatigue, my insatiable sugar cravings, my mood swings, stomach issues and anxiety attacks. I went to that appointment with a smile.
During my appointment, the rheumatologist brought up PCOS. I told him that my referring doctor said it wasn’t PCOS because my blood work was normal. He said my doctor was a smart guy so he trusted him. He did a few pokes around to test my joints. Drew some blood and sent me on my way. In a week’s time, I’d have my answers.
Nothing. No positive antibodies of ANY kind. I should have been jumping with joy. My body was not killing itself. But I didn’t. I cried. For days. I was angry. I was truly beginning to believe nothing was actually wrong. That all these tests were pointing to the same thing you just didn’t try hard enough to eat healthy. I have not felt defeat like this, ever.
During this time, we moved into our house. It was 45 minutes away from my doctor’s. I decided to try one more doctor, close by. I researched naturopath in my area and found one that was a good fit. I was almost convinced I had made it all up. That I really just needed to try harder. I didn’t know how it would be possible. If it weren’t for the fact I had not had a period in 7 months, I may not have gone. He listened to me. I saw the concern in his eye. The sadness that I’ve struggled for 12 months to figure out what was wrong. Tested for more things than he’s ever seen. He ran a few tests. And had me get an ultrasound done. As I was leaving, I mentioned thinking nothing was wrong. He reassured me, there is something going on.
In July of 2014 he told me I had PCOS. I weight had been lifted. I had answers. I felt free. I felt sane. I felt joy. I felt victorious. I felt proud. Is PCOS something to rejoice about, not at all. I was rejoicing because I finally had answers. I’m learning to come to terms with what I have. I’m not there yet, but I will be. I’m working on PCOS becoming something I have, not who I am.
Elizabeth Horn 