I have legitimately thought I would die three times. First, when I had an appendectomy. It was my first time going under anesthesia and I thought I wouldn’t wake up. Spoiler, I did. The second and third times were during my C-sections. April is C-Section Awareness month, so I wanted to share my story and my encouragement.
As many of you know Mateo’s birth was the farthest from what I had planned: a non medicated water birth at home. It was the hardest day of my life. I had been “in labor” (not counting the 10 days of contractions leading up to that) for about 24 hours. My labor stalled in the middle of transition, my cervix was swelling, and I was exhausted. I needed to go to the hospital. Once at the hospital, after exhausting all my options, I was rushed in for an emergency C-section due to fetal distress.
I was so scared. I felt like a failure. My dreams came crashing down. Ever since I was a little girl I wanted a home birth. I couldn’t have it. I cried for weeks. I faced death during that birth. It was a true emergency. It’s humbling to be on the other side of “routine medical intervention” and wonder how many people before me died because they couldn’t do this. Honestly, I still cry some days. The scar on my body makes me feel that I couldn’t do what other women can do. It makes me feel like my body didn’t work like “it’s supposed to.” But I could have died. My baby could have died. Ultimately, I’m thankful for my scar because it means we were saved. Here’s what I learned from my first C-Section:
Sometimes my body doesn’t do what it’s supposed to. Sin did this. Not me. Jesus will heal my broken body. My scar, which carries the evidence of this fallen world, reminds me that JESUS RESTORES.
With Nathaniel, I tried for VBAC. But it didn’t go as planned either. I had gestational hypertension and I had to be induced because my blood pressure got too high. My induction was hard. My labor was hard. I had a small panic attack when I felt my bladder was going to explode. Something was wrong. My labor was progressing like my last labor. I had two options. I opted for the repeat C-section as the risks were lower.
I remember asking when my Dad would be there. He was on his way home from Portland and coming straight to the hospital. I didn’t get to see him before I went into surgery. My last thought before going to the operating room was I didn’t get to say goodbye to my Dad.
Luis was getting ready, but they started my surgery without him. The anesthesiologist held my hand. I thought I’m going to die holding this stranger’s hand.
Once my son was born and I kissed him, I mentally went somewhere else because that’s all I could do to stay calm. I knew if I died, he’d be okay. He had his Daddy.
I had minor complications with my bladder and my surgery was taking close to an hour. I was panicking but was too scared to ask what was wrong. I was scared to tell Luis goodbye, so I didn’t.
Here’s a big spoiler, and I’m sorry for not waiting till the end. But, I didn’t die. They stitched me up, told me what happened. Let me hold my baby and wheeled me to recovery. Here’s what I learned from my second C-Sections:
There is literally nothing I wouldn’t do to save my child. I would face death if it meant they could live their life. A million times over. This is what Jesus did for you and me.
C-sections are terrifying. I never want to go through that again. But I’m grateful that my boys and I are alive today and that is because ofmy surgeries. I’m also grateful for the lessons they’ve taught me. Of showing me just how much Jesus loves and cares for me. How much he will restore my broken body and the cost he paid for that.
Today, I have so much scar tissue my uterus feels like a baseball. My stomach is still numb. Many days I have such sadness and anger at my body. But most days, I’m only thankful that my boys and I are alive.
So since it is C-Section awareness month, and chances are you know someone who’s had one, make sure to tell them you know how strong they are. Tell them they are fearless. Tell them they aren’t a failure. Tell them they are loved and worthy. Tell them how badass they are because they were opened up and faced death just so their baby could have a chance to live.
But I also want to remind you that our C-sections in some way, mirrors what Jesus did for all of humanity. Our C-section’s scar represents a life saved, just as Jesus’ scars represent lives saved. Just as we were selfless in giving our lives for our child’s life, so was Jesus for all of humanity. We faced death, so did Jesus yet he conquered it. But what our scars represent, is that Jesus will restore us to perfection. And no amount of brokenness will keep Jesus from bringing us to life.
Elizabeth Horn 